Simple Amusements

Yesterday I had my first experience shopping at the Army PX at Fort Belvior. After eventually finding what we needed, Russ and I went to check out. We were third in line behind a pair of soldiers buying about six or seven items and another guy buying some photo printer paper and a pack of Twizzlers that he picked up while discovering he had some time on his hands here in line. When we first got in line, there were a couple of other options, but this one I deemed this one to be the best one – the timeless misconception of someone like me who truly believes she can use reason or math to choose the faster line (rule #1: never do math in public).

So we’re waiting, waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. What on earth is so complicated about this checkout process? What crap is on these magazines? Oooh, men can get the best bodies of their lives back? Someone famous has twin princesses, one of whom is destitute but a free spirit, the other has everything she could ever want but is a brat? News flash. Ooooh, look at that cool new packaging for Eclipse gum. I am intrigued. I will get some. How exciting! New treats! What is that grunting noise? Something about being ready? Okay now I am bored. Where can I occupy my imagination? People in line behind me seem to be shifting with impatience. Am I doing the same thing? Voice of a woman who sounds like she is chewing comes over the PA system: “Mervin please hang up your phone, I am trying to call you. Mervin please hang up your phone, I am trying to call you!” That cracks me up and I start laughing out loud and laugh a little harder when I see that the soldier in front of me is trying not to show that it cracked him up too. Well, I guess that is one way to get someone’s attention – AND EVERYONE ELSE’S IN THE STORE! Oooh, great, the soldier in front of me is now up to be checked out.

“Are you ready guys?” the checkout man says, “Here we go…” and I watched somewhat quizzically as ALVIN dramatically swiped the package of printer paper and then the Twizzlers across the bar code reader, took the soldier’s money and sent the him on his way. Now we were up!

“Are you ready guys? Here we GO!” I feel like we were just welcomed to an amusement park ride. In ALVIN’s world, things are about to start moving, and he wants to make sure we are ready, so I nod and play along because I too believe in the land of makebelieve; I have just never encountered it through the mind of a man in his sixties at a military department store.
“Here’s your bag! Are you ready?”

“I am ready,” I respond enthusiastically, looking around for my seatbelt to fasten. Instead, I dutifully grab my plastic bag. ALVIN picks my first item off of the belt and ceremoniously waves the bar code across the scanner like the item is some magic wand and he wants to cast a spell over the magical mystical bar code reader! “Beep!” Ah ha! The spell works!

“Here you go!” he announces as he holds my first item over his head like a newly anointed baby whom he is about to throw as a bomb pass down field to Jerry Rice. A dutiful receiver who’ll just have to do, I hold up my hands because I am the only one open downfield. He follows his fake throw through all the way to my hands and I safely place the item in the bag.

“Next one!” I am entranced by this checkout magician! This process continues, each item receives the same magical, ceremonious treatment as the last (as it should!) until it is time to pay. Aw Man, too bad we only had six items! Russ swiped the credit card, pressed “cancel” on the debit screen, and then we waited for the transaction to come through. The woman in line behind us knowitally said, ”Press CANCEL!”

“I did,” Russ said. “I can figure out that much.” We may not know just what alternate universe we just entered and exited, but he can follow a touchpad screen. I think she was a little impatient. Well, just you wait lady, you are in for the ride of your life!