Greetings, Sports Fans!
I know, I know … I have been very remiss, negligent, and otherwise incommunicable on this blog for the past several months.
For this I apologize. My excuse? -- for I believe that every good omission bears an even better explanation… my excuse is that I have been somewhat suppressing my own writerly voice for the sake of my principal. I am trying to break free and split my personality like the good Gemini that I am, though. I finally think I’ve done it.
Yesterday while jamming to Sublime at the gym, I realized that doing so is all about being carefree when you can and serious when you must.
So, here goes. I am back.
We did have quite a bit of drama at the Polygon this summer and I have only recently recovered my wits and patience enough to put pen to paper, or fingers to qwerty as the case may more ineloquently be.
The Drama Mama’s name was Loaf – or so we dubbed him on account of his… well, I won’t get ahead of myself.
Sometime in July, Loaf literally came a-knockin’ on our door, inquiring if we had a position for a writer available.
No, we didn’t.
He had been “let go” from his previous job (read FIRED) because he couldn’t/wouldn’t write what his principal wanted to say.
Before we even got to know him, when an event our Boss was supposed to do got deferred to his, we used to casually joke, “Better wake up Loaf!” – only we used his real name back then because we hadn’t yet been subjected to his nasty habit that earned him the Loaf moniker.
So anyway, what I am trying to say is that my partner in crime and I were a little apprehensive about his credentials.
But no one really asked us – or, if they did, they didn’t listen to us.
Within a week, there we were, giving Loaf a lair, er, a desk, briefing him on our processes, checklists and files, and instructing him how he could best help us out.
Loaf was supposed to be the laborer, the “researcher,” the look-ahead-a-few-events, read background information and suggest themes guy. Also he was supposed to make initial contact with event points of contact, maintain our tickler, build scene setters, and maintain a file of press coverage and quotations from our Boss.
Suffice it to say that he did none of these things reliably, with any consistency or without some degree of rework required. …but there I go getting ahead of myself again.
We knew the Loaf had officially landed when we saw numerous accoutrements and adornments strewn and hung about his cubicle: two framed flags from previous assignments hanging in his cubicle, a decorative mouse-pad, several “inside joke” snapshots, ten framed family pictures, and an old, mahogany, high backed leather chair in front of his desk.
W-T-F!?
Also, atop his bookshelf, there were two long, yellow “pool noodles.”
When we inquired what those were for, Loaf lipped:
“Hall jousting.”
“Hall jousting?”
“Yes, hall jousting.”
“You used to hall joust in the E-ring?”
“No, in the half-corridor outside the D-ring.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it was usually later in the afternoon, after we had already watched ‘Ellen.’”
“Hmmm. Okay. Sounds like fun.”
W-T-F??????
I could go into painful details of specific shenanigans … well, I could, but they’d be... well, painful for me and out of keeping with my new “no bad days” stress-free mentality. I'd rather not dwell on it.
Suffice it to say that the following timeline sums up his daily routine for the approximately three months he spent with us.
A Day in the Life of the Loaf:
0710 Arrive at work, hang up leather flight jacket
0730 Log onto computer, call the IT office to complain about applications not installed on computer. Demand they install them.
0750 Exchange angry, angry words with the Polygon IT help, but very gently click the receiver in its cradle when hanging up.
0751-0949 Listen to sermons in right ear while senselessly surfing the web or pretending to do work. Open the all-important tickler and lock it for editing so no one else can update it.
0950 Arise, grab gym bag and clandestinely slink out the door without talking to anyone.
1015-1035 “Work out” and take long breaks in between “sets” to chat with pretty girls
1050 Arrive back at office and wash plate for lunch
1055 Remove the most reverent 5” X 5”, 2” thick square of meat from the refrigerator
1056 Place Meatloaf in microwave oven & heat on high for 2 minutes
1059-1135 Bask in the scent of microwaved loaf, and quietly pick at lunch while listening to some more sermons
1136-1725 Peck away at the keyboard, squeak chair, casually talk to wife on the phone about son’s antics, offer bushels of acorns to co-workers, lodge a few more complaints with the Polygon IT staff and the gas company, drop the Boss’s name to get things, refer to yourself as a rank higher than you really are, berate and badger points of contact for failing to return our worksheet, and generally do whatever else it takes to be less useful while making yourself feel more important than you really are.
1726 Arise and clandestinely slink out, regretting that another day has gone by in this god-forsaken office without hall-jousting, watching “Ellen,” nor writing a single piece of purple prose.
When the lead in our office broke it to Loaf that it was time that we found him another place to work, that he should take a few days and come back on Monday, he still showed up to work the very next day. Loaf carried on with his usual mannerisms, but managed to make even less eye contact and more annoying, disruptive phone calls than usual. The image of this Loaf man reminded me of a less than endearing Bartleby the Scrivner. For those who aren’t familiar, Bartelby was a Herman Melville character who haunted an office and preferred not to do just about everything and eventually wasted away for complete lack of effort. Ah, Loaf! Ah humanity!
Panhandling around the Polygon, he secured another position for himself, but not until he lodged a complaint that our office was a hostile work environment.
…Now, I know what you’re thinking: I paint a pretty unwelcoming, if almost hostile, picture of our office here. Sure it’s unwelcoming… if you you’re incompetent and can’t or don’t do what the team needs.
Anyway, that is neither here nor there. Let me just close by referring you to a somewhat vindicating reference: a new book by Matt Latimer, one of President Bush's top speechwriters from March 2007 to October 2008. He was also chief speechwriter to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for three years. In the latter job, he met the Loaf whom he refers to him on page 123 in his latest book “Speech-Less.” If you check it out on Amazon, you can read an excerpt about his take on the Loaf (page 123 and following).
Ah, Loaf! Ah humanity! At least now eau-de-loaf doesn’t perfume my afternoons, typos don’t plague my scene setters, and I am free to update the tickler any time I damn well please.
P.S. Yes, he ate meatloaf every day for lunch. EVERY G-D DAY.
