Working where I do and with what’s going on in the world, people outside the Polygon often remark to me, “wow, you must get to see and hear some really neat high level things… get quite a perspective on the situation around the world.” And while, yes, I do – and at the risk of sounding modest, let me just say that I do find it all very interesting and intriguiging, insightful and there is an awful lot that makes me go, “huhmm. How ‘bout that?” But, you know, oftentimes I honestly get tired of everything having to be so goddamn meaningful.
Like we can never thank so and so enough or such-and-such an organization just does blah blah blah. I mean, yes it is important, yeah sure (did you just say ‘yeah, sure’ or yes, sir’?) I totally think that there are several deserving and sacrificing people worthy of our praise… I just weary sometimes of that being the sole meat of my job. Can’t I do something frivolous? Make a mockery of something?
Many are the times when I yearn for the simple and the unglamorous. Like my pal Bill – bless his honest, enthusiastic heart – why does he have to preface his deployment stories with the statement “I was force projecting the receiver downrange?” When, seriously he could just as well saying that he was giving gas in the air.
And then there is another guy I work with, we’ll say that his call sign is ‘Beave,’ like in “Leave it to Beaver.” Well, Beave is one of those people who seems to find that he needs to always ask me if I am okay, laugh really loudly at stuff that isn’t that funny, and write overwrought prose that reflects the beliefs he has to tell you about: “You know, maybe I can't write but ... I believe in the triangle of leadership: authority, accountability, responsibility... It may sound cheesy, but---“ Yeah, well, yeah, it does… I mean I believe in that stuff too, but I don’t wear it on my sleeve, dude! But I just listen. Like my dad told me once: just nod and smile sweetly.
But there are conversations that go on around there that seriously amuse me in the most slapmythighs kind of way.
There is this one lady who works in my organization, just not directly in my office, who makes me just want to wring her neck or laugh my ass off when talking with her if what she said wasn’t so frustratingly dumb or hilariously funny. When I talk to her I find my inner monologue saying, “is this really happening – why don’t you wake up from this absurd dream?” But no – it is all too real. Like this conversation:
"Hi Lieutenant Commander, this is Nancy."
"Hello"
"Hi! ...Um, okay. I don't know if you know, but it's the first of May."
"Uh huh."
"Oh good! You know!"
"Yep."
"So they have the _________ meeting--"
"No, not anymore" (like I told her last month)
"Oh, okay. So it is totally cancelled?"
"Yep."
"Oh okay, so no more, okay good. Anything else for me?"
"Nope!"
"Okay buh-bye."
"Bye."
Which had nothing on the phone conversation that she had with Beave the other day:
“_________, this is Nancy. Howfcann eyelp youf?”
“Hi Nacey, this Beaver Cleaver.”
“humeye.”
“Are you eating? Do you have something in your mouth?”
“Yah, lumftime. It’s falad.”
“Salad? Oh you’re eating salad?”
“Yeah, sorry, you’re probably wondering why I called.”
“What???--- I called you. You didn’t call me.”
“I didn’t?”
“No, you answered the phone with your mouth full, I told you who I was and then you said… oh, forget it! Is Captain Krunch available.”
“No, I will be sure to remember to tell him that you called.”
“Yeah, thank you, bye.” Yeah, right she will! Like she remembered that she called you...
But the one around there who really kills me with his conversations is the staff’s lawyer. This guy is hilarious! Hill-ar-ee-us!
I stood in the front office the other day with several others, waiting for the end-of-day meeting. People were milling about, mincing in and out of the office, generally trying to look either busy or meaningful until we’d all be permitted to trundle into the main office to deliver last minute end-of-day remarks. But the lawyer, he was standing by himself, about two feet from the big screen TV on the wall. I thought maybe he was just nearsighted and wanted to catch up on his news. Then it started: he was conversing, expressing himself, cross-examining, objecting and sustaining, furrowing his brow and waving his hands. I thought he was talking to the TV, but then I realized he wasn’t even really looking at it. He kept looking to his right – at nothing in particular, and kept arguing and trying to make his point. When we all moved into the other room, just outside the boss’s main office, the lawyer took his argument in there too, stood in line and worked things out. I seriously wanted to crack up.
Last week, my pal Bill called the lawyer to ask him the legality of something we had been asked to write. I wasn’t really paying attention, but when Bill got off the phone he started railing about how he can’t stand it when someone puts him on speakerphone. The lawyer had just done that to him. Bill couldn’t figure out why, because it was so irritating because he had to keep repeating himself. I told him that the reason why the lawyer did that was so his alter-ego, the voices in his head or whoever his imaginary defendant/friend was could hear the conversation, duh?!
Now that’s something to talk about. STAY TUNED!
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